2012年3月31日星期六

We feel, we hear, we see, we do , we think

Time now: 1.08am (GMT +10), 31/3/2012
Mood now: Moodless + sleepy+ a little high+ a little anxious

What I can hear now: A few drunkards yelling something down at the street, the typing sound made by myself, some motorists speeding on the road, car horn beeping, the bell of the tram passing by, the break sound of the tram when it's approaching the stop, the sound of the wind, police car siren

What I can see now: A girl dancing on the balcony on opposite block, street lamps, billboards, opened sliding doors of balcony, the bowl that I used to fetch some ice-cream, a vase of lavenders, my restless hoodies, iphone(Carl III), a stack of books borrowed from the library piled up like UNO stack, my blurr reflection on the notebook screen, apartment keys, a few coins on the table, blog editing page...

What I am doing now:
Sitting on the chair, staring at the screen, looking at the keyboard and type

What's in my mind now:
"Assignments due soon"
"Is Kony 2012 100% truthful?"
"I want to watch the Disc 2 of South Park Season 1"
"I want to go to sleep"
"This blog post is to get myself familiar with the requirement of the assignment on "Sensation & Perception" "
"I should wrap myself with the sofa throw"
"What should I write?"
"Should get a new brand of ice-cream next time"
"Life is so boring"
"I miss KL Hokkien Mee"
"Will I be able to finish Understanding Society Assignment 1 by tomorrow afternoon?"
"Should I watch "Mirror Mirror" tomorrow?"
"Susanna Gale is really beautiful"
"WTF, dah pukul berapa masih ada polis merayau-rayau di sekitar???"
"Wow, my BM not bad"
"The dancing girl is out of sight"
"How come I didn't name the Suzuki Swift last time?"
"How would the night view of KL look like if I am viewing it from 22nd floor?"
"What song should I listen to now?"
"Want to sleep until automatically wake up tomorrow"
"Oh, the tram actually operates at such late hour"
"Should check the availability of secondhand textbook for my language subject now"
"Shit, forgot password of the textbook exchange website"
"Deng, outdated edition also sell for damn high price!"
"Where's the nail clipper?"
"Facebook tab got 1 new notification, think Grace pokes me again"
"Should end the writing now"
+...

2012年3月16日星期五

Whatssup Epicurus

Dear Epicurus,

" Death, therefore, the most awful of evils, is nothing to us, seeing that, when we are (alive), death is not come, and when death is come, we are not."
Yes, you were being remarkably reasonable and rational when you said so.
But you forgot that when we are not alive anymore, the people around us are not necessary to be in the same state as ours.
We do not really see our death, but people around us do.
We may not need to deal with the aftermath of our death, but people around us do.
Just saying...

2012年3月12日星期一

Can I have a Room of Requirement?

What do you do if you got a extremely annoying roommate who will surely affect your academic performance and who constantly challenges your temper?
You know you can't move away from the house, nor you can't ask the person to leave.
And the person is way too ignorant to listen to any of your suggestion.
And because of some special circumstances you are forbidden from using any harsh word to scold the person.
And even if you are allowed to your conscience may warn you that it is highly unethical to scold a naive person.
And yet the university library closes quite early.
And visiting Starbucks everyday is way too impractical.
I hate if eventually I have to farewell my great mission for such issue.
But seems like I have to...
haiz...
Don't know if the person is way too intolerable or I am filled with intolerance...

2012年3月1日星期四

这几天是否该离开Melbourne这个课题越来越白热化
说好星期二会给我有关credit exemption答复的Faculty of Art依旧还没有带来任何消息
即使走在街上会迎接那秋风带来的一阵冰凉
心里却没有一秒不是在慌的
开课一星期了
甚至有lecturer将在下星期开始探讨assignment的种种
自己却在这一个星期内几乎没有一课不大磕睡的
都在认真听课 都在努力抓accent
明明大都只是一小时的课
我却很没出息地败坏校风
当初选读哲学系时就很羡慕University of Melbourne (UOM)的学生了
去年听到妹妹的edu counselor说我也可以申请credit transfer去UOM时
我确实心理很激动
当时我的CGPA为3.4x, edu counselor高诉我CGPA最少要3.5才比较保险
于是第二个sem我做到了,当时CGPA为3.5y
在最后一个sem我也以进UOM为目标拼了命,CGPA再升到3.6z
虽然没有PSY110的 Justin Yap的故事的可歌可泣
但我人生中有史以来最拼了命最尽了命莫过于那一次
多少瓶鸡精 多少个不眠夜 多少张自己抄的notes 多少杯咖啡 多少张slide 多少碗杯面
最后拿到了UOM的offer,但还没有给予credit exemption
我知道我曾说过HELP读过那一年就当foundation算了
可是来到这里念头全打消了
当我看到每一科平均3500-4000字的assigments等着我时
当我看到每一个星期百多页的reading pack等着我时
当我看到平均每一科每星期要出席2 lectures, 2 tutorials, 1 workshop时
当我被迫拿两科压根儿跟Psychology没关系的科目时
当我出席一个没有asian的tute时
当初的潇洒顿时变成无限的介意
开始嘲笑自己
干嘛那么犯贱?
明明呆在HELP很不错
还可以拿到RM3000的scholarship
有一班好到不像话的朋友
即使parking位难找但总好过天天挤在很恐怖的tram内
还能吃RM5以下的午餐
还有一群我遇过最棒的lecturers
为什么当初会选择放弃这美好的一切?
干嘛勉强自己再重读Year 1 ,当自己还在沉浸在Year 1 3rd sem考完试的最后一天的喜悦?
昔日的努力不被自己目前的大学肯定,顿时灰飞烟灭
我真的很沮丧,真的很累。。。
我害怕自己没能耐再完成哪些每科3500-4000字的assignment
害怕自己随时fail掉
害怕自己不愿意再跟另外超过1600个学生竞争experimental hour
害怕自己在"Reason" & "The Secret Life of Language"这两科考试前还不懂自己上过什么
害怕自己没能耐去读完那每星期百多页的Reading Pack
...
这次再回去的话我知道自己可能也没法再看得起自己了
怕自己下次遇到同样的事件时又会选择逃离
更别说以后打工时会是什么样子
以后周围的人会把什么样的眼光套在我身上...
不会去的话天天都要担惊受怕
连print一张notes都因为物价贵而很有压力
咖啡都不敢喝多半杯
我知道爸不介意我在这些“小事情”上花钱
可是每当我想起我花了他多少钱时
又会给自己压力逼自己更用功
好让自己感觉比较对得起他
也通过行动告诉他钱花在我身上是值得的
可是这一次我没本事再回报他了
我无法想象在花了一年近30k AUD后,万一其中一科不及格会怎样
就算到时爸不介意,我大概也不愿意再花更多时间在学业上了
真的不知该怎么做...