52Hz Whale

So
Just had my 23th b'day
I was really glad that this time my dad managed to celebrate it with me
although it was not quite in the form I was expecting
I always appreciate what he has been providing for the family and me
And that's why an expensive and lots-of-animal-sacrificing dinner was completely unnecessary
Guess I hv a long way to go to persuade a change in my family
But the feeling of unfit has always led to an inadequate me
I know my family sometimes support me
but whenever I looked at their shadow, their back
I felt like they are strangers to me, and vice versa
And this is not even some teenage rebellious thought
I've been thinking
if one day a person come up and tell me he/she understands me
and I know that it's true
I might burst into tears for real
Just realized this is the 100th post
and I thought I'll be more cheerful by this stage
prolly not now...

时差

5点.失眠
我曾以为
两个有时差的国家
能在同一时间交谈
是一件很玄的事
就像澳洲这里5点钟
能与在大马过着两点钟的亲友相谈
会以为大马的光阴比澳洲走慢了3小时
但其实这不过是从人类设定国际时间的角度去想象罢了
有没有国际时间也好
有没有时差也罢
地球的每个角落
都从创世那一刻
走过了同样的年华
分分秒秒
丝毫不差

老了

我意识到在我心里

慢慢有着某种心态上的改变

虽然看不顺眼的东西还多着

但调伏的速度快了

依然不喜欢在人群中游走

但已会与人闲聊

虽然有时没把该说的说出口

但慢慢的

不该说的我都会止在嘴边

我想我是老了吧...

Stop dehumanize the others!

So I just watched "Schindler's List"
TBF I don't recommend watching it at nights
although presented in b&w
the holocaust scene may still potentially haunt yr mind
While psych students might have been upsetting with the dehumanising nature of human
Thank god thr's this film reminding you "Nope, thr's always an exception"
The film is about Oskar Schindler and his wife, who saved about 1100- 1200 Jews from the holocaust.

在这之前我一直觉得自己是个很不自由的人
我活在一个完全没人懂我的家庭里
周围的人不明白我所信奉的，所坚持的
我至今还没办法找到一个和我心与心很贴近的人
就像一只52赫兹的鲸鱼
就在这两周我都在告诉自己如果现在身在电影片场，画室，乃至戏剧舞台上
那该多好
至少那是我最能专注的地方
我每天都在观察人与人之间的互动
可是自己在人际沟通上却越来越被动了

其实南京大屠杀，第二次世界大战等等并非距离现在很久远的事
我们的人身自由是比那个年代要好很多
更别说我们不是身在中东，非洲或南韩
尚算安全
可是安全感似乎不曾增加
以前的人literally从踏出家门那一刻就不晓得能不能平安回家
现代常人呢？
依旧对现况的自由不满
Wifi不过快，功课压力，还没当成人却很想做成人做的事...
你真的认为那两种不自由可以相提并论吗？

是的，人类就是没有满足的一天
We crave and we strive for freedom at the expense of the others
我想，唯有达到“无状态”，没有欲望，没有自不自由的，一切才会静止在那时空里
没有一念一想
在那之前，请善待我们周遭的人吧
我们结伴来到这世界感受能感受的
却反过头被感受牵绊了
彼此折磨着对方
两败俱伤
即使没法瞬间放下仇恨
至少不要去刻意伤害
静观自己拥有的自由
并且善用自由
大概会比较快乐吧

黄梅调/Do not attempt to change my life or change to suit my life/R U OK ? Day

Should be writing social psych lab report now
But thr's too much thoughts in my brain
Of which more than half of them hv nth to do with the report
So I guess it's better to hv some focused reflection b4 moving on to the writing
Last night I was procrastinating too
But instead of doing sth meaningless
I was stone thr, listening to some 黄梅调
If you'd followed some Shaw Brother's films in the past
You'd know what's a 黄梅调
But prolly not even many of the people of my age did know about it
Everytime I listened to some beautiful pieces of 黄梅调
Especially those of 红楼梦，天仙配，孟姜女
I'd shed some tears
YES, you don't have to inform me about your judgment
I do know how stupid it sounded
But then again, I felt a very subtle connection btwn 黄梅调 and me
It's like I had actually heard it long before this life
Some funny feeling suggests that I had been living in an era of 黄梅调, if you like
Again, it's prolly just some self-constructed dejavu but yeah
Nth would weaken the uniques sense of connection

Today I couldn't get a person out of mind for the entire day
It was a person that used to be my great company
The person listened to my sorrow, built courage in me via some unique way
While I was trying my best to make the person happy whenever I could
Life without the person was really lonely
And I thought there might be a chance we were able to lead to a wonderful ending
But then the person did sth that I considered severely against my philosophy of life
I understand from the bottom of my heart the person's attempt to change my lifestyle was because the person would like to increase the common topic in between us
I understand that the person might be feeling lonely as well as I did
But then again I have been devoting so much of my life to prove my value, my principle...
Changing my lifestyle was like denying my effort, denying my identity, my sense of self
I found it simply unbearable and rather hurting, very hurting
I'm not looking for someone who would ask me to not to listen to 黄梅调 anymore, nor someone who listen to 黄梅调 in order to earn my attention/ liking...
I'll be glad to know someone who enjoy his/her life much and cherish ppl who enjoy their own life :)
Anyway, I wish that the person would find someone that could really bring happiness into the person's life w/o any intentious changes be made
Bear with me for keep using 'the person' instead of some simple pronouns
Thr's a reason that I couldn't admit atm

Lastly,on this year's R U OK? Day
I did not make it to greet ppl around me much
But I did thanked the janitor at Richard Barry building's toilet and thanked the Thai student who sold Pad Thai at the Festival of Nations (in Thai)
Haha, not bad I guess
But I'm committed to do better in the future

Ok, I'm going back to my assignment.
Bye bye!

*Bup Bup Bup Buup Bup*

前天吃完brunch后在餐厅外遇到一个小女孩
她在餐厅外的小巷吹着泡泡
她邀请我和我妹陪她一起吹泡泡
看谁吹的泡泡最大 看谁吹的泡泡飘得最远
我们玩得很开心
女孩告诉我们她每天都在那个小巷
也告诉我们她没和妈妈一起住 （我们推测她双亲离婚了）
她只有5岁
爸爸应该是在餐厅打工
没有人看着她 没有人陪她玩
临别时她好不舍得我们
甚至想跟我们回家
我们只好答应她下星期再去找她
临别前大家都互相取了nickname
bubble queen, bubble fish, bubble princess, bubble prince...
哈哈哈
这小朋友很有意思
下星期一定守诺言再去找她 ;)

我看见土星啦！

如题
七夕我和朋友随天文学会到Melbourne Observatory一游
好彩那晚没下雨
一开始我迷了路
带着恐慌穿越一片暗黑原野 =="
最后终于看到灯塔，向它奔去
谁会想到在light pollution笼罩下的城市
近郊会有一片可以将星星一览无遗的草原
Observatory的老职员对着星空指指点点
向我们解释哪个方位住着哪个星星
我当然不懂他在讲什么
但是大家都说那晚的天蝎座很明显
我看了看
应该有对到吧...
老职员指向Southern Cross时，我看着那些比较零丁的星星
那是我梦寐以求盼望见到的
总有一天我会在没有灯源污染的地方再和它相见 ：）
到了瞭望台
看见了一台很有历练的望远镜
它藏在attic里，但是如此巨大
虽然老职员向我们解释了其操作原理
但我依然很blurr
只见他做了一番手动式的调动后
我们看到了月亮
是清清楚楚地看到月亮上的蒼孔那一种
好感动
接下来还看到了Saturn
（我从看到Saturn回来到现在Google后才惊觉Saturn =土星）
虽然透过望远镜无法很清楚地看到它
但还算是看到它的主体和光环
那感觉是超乎大自然的 “东西”
一种没有外线的完美
人类绝对无法仿造的“东西”
如此完美
如此独特
你们知道我的Iphone很beh gai
没法拍到照片
所以我在Google找到了比较接近我眼见的

宇宙的奥妙
有着不被理解的美
有机会你们应该也去看看

我想看Southern Cross Milky Way

hey

不知不觉八月啦

A new sem began

我拿到成绩了

幸好Phonetics Pass 了

不过这个sem要面对两个Major的capstone subject

也很压力

最近参加了Astronomical Society

没几个Asian

我对星象没半点认知

但是我好想再毕业前到light pollution比较少的地方看到Southern Cross Milky Way

大概是这样的东西

马来西亚看不到

很美吧？

Bye bye misery, you'll be missed!

I got around 5 blog drafts centred around the themes how did my past experiences and environment shaped my sorrow and current status before posting this up
But heck those pretentious bastards and bitches have defined but my sorrow in the past
I just can't let them define my happiness in the future
So yeah, misery, thanks for accompanying me all these while
you let me down and yet you gave me strength too
but I know I deserved a happier life
so yeah
misery must go
I'm ready to be happy
not because pretentious jerks asked me to
but it's because I wanted to

两周前我在考完Developmental Psych后回程电车上遇见一位老太太
老太太她长得很像昂山舒姬
一个人上车
瘦弱的她拎着一个很大的行李箱
身穿白色素衣
脸带倦容，但笑容很慈祥
坐在我对面 开始聊起来
她告诉我她来自外洲 患有癌症
必需定期到Ballarat定期做检查
原来她以前也主修Developmental Psych
问我主修什么时，我只告诉她Psychology
因为我对Phonetics很没把握，所以常省略Linguistics major
话才一落地，她就马上问我说我一定还有在major一些其他什么的
好厉害，我便从实招来
再聊了3分钟的光景后，我到站了，就和她道别
看到一个如此坚强的灵魂，我很是感慨

大前天，试考完了，我赶紧搭了直通电车到St. Kilda Beach
用海水洗了洗脸
而且赶得上看日落
前几个星期的负面力量都瞬间消逝了
真好

不是真的爱我

一旦离开了脸书
Spotify我也login不到
10分钟内我草草创立了新的歌单
我没有要点这首歌给谁
只是觉得它是一首充诉着呼唤的歌
是一种成长吧
体悟
厌烦
难过
感慨
挽救
放下
？？

作詞：胡如虹

作曲：劉志文

編曲：屠穎

原唱： 孙燕姿

你和我就算了吗

别用沉默代替回答

陌生的让我害怕

心像被针扎了一下

总是不提那句话

我想你是故意装傻

不是不懂得表达

还在等什么说清楚吧

我想你不是真的爱我

习惯被忽略不算自由

相爱的人总是不懂

为什么真心伤得特别重

我想你不是真的爱我

当体贴渐渐受到冷落

其实爱有很多选择

我也可以给你自由

终于明白那句话

爱能让人一夜长大

不成熟的感情啊

让我变得小心害怕

我和你就算了吧

不想再为爱而挣扎

爱情若没有火花

至少了解后懂的放下

我想你不是真的爱我

习惯被忽略不算自由

相爱的人总是不懂

为什么真心伤得特别重

我想你不是真的爱我

当体贴渐渐受到冷落

其实爱有很多选择

我也可以给你自由

一而再 再而三

我不断地向你证明自己

别人若觉得我只是运气好我不理会

但你是知道我一直以来不是一个得过且过的人

该努力的时候 我不会怠惰

还是你早已习惯一切？

早已认为一切理所当然？

我没有要当一个很显赫的人物

我也许没其他人的机灵

也称不上有着一颗善良的心

我只愿此生当中别负人太多

被你伤害过 我原谅了 也努力忘记

可是没法完全放下

我常问自己

一个有瑕疵的人生 可以走多远？

是我太善待自己了吗？

可我依然庆幸

即使世上我应最仰赖的人伤害了我

我还能坚持

即使全世界都不接纳我

我绝不会放弃自己

Droooomm Thooomm

It's thundering + raining in Melbourne now

Pretty rare

Someone up there is sleeping on his or her job I guess

Just saying

At first I thought I saw some balloons floating on the street in a determined direction

I was wrong

They are umbrellas.

Life of paradox

好累

昨晚发现某个我一直努力向她证明自己的人

原来从来不曾为我感觉到丝毫骄傲

为什么看过最多我眼泪的人

却会也是最不谅解我的人

今天瞬间明白

我的家人把我当废材

我喜欢的人把我当小丑

喜欢我的人把我当病人

哈哈

真无奈

亲爱的家人

很抱歉你们始终只能看见我的懦弱

但我没法酝酿一个alpha人生

我想我还是情愿平庸多过不自在地成功

给我喜欢的人

我是习惯在朋友面前嬉皮笑脸没错

但嬉皮笑脸不等于我不懂爱

你也许不明白

我过去在你面前的笑

都是源自你给我的快乐

蔡健雅的《空白格》

与你合唱时气氛太和谐没留意歌词

今天再听

眼泪很老实地夺出眼眶

给喜欢我的人

眼看你一步一步地放弃做你自己

我是真的一点也不好过

请好好的生活

为了你自己

Be kind to one another

其实在过去几个星期

我写了好多好多篇草稿

但是不知道为什么

一个也没发布

感觉原来即使是自己的blog

也不能把自己的所有展现出来

也许是我顾虑太多了吧

我这几天来来去去

都在想着同一个问题

说真的

芸芸众生都是来到这个世界上

展开一段叫作《生命》的旅程

之所以唤为旅程

是因为我们明白

我们无法永恒逗留在

那旅游的目的地

旅程一圆

我们将回到最初的地方

我们或许可以把一些当地的纪念品留在身边

但始终无法拥有那地方

如果我们了解这道理

我们应该明白

今世以后我们什么也带不走

除了记忆

然而

我们可以决定

留在我们身边的记忆是美好的，还是只有悔恨

与此同时

我们亦可决定我们留给别人的记忆是美好的，还是只有遗憾
别再抓着不属于的
别糟蹋了值得拥有的

Be kind to one another

Written on a 4.30am, so neither me nor u should be blamed if u can't follow what I wrote

Back at high school,
I resented about how hard it was to find someone who really know me
someone who really share much common interest with me
Coz we all were like a pro-form
We hadn't get to choose what to major, which career to focus on back then
So, for ppl like me who was like having an artist soul stucked in a science class, life could be hard
Moving to uni,
I was very excited at first to have a bunch of coursemates and friends who share the same major and certain interest
Especially it's psychology I'm majoring in, so we can pretty much relate the theories and sometimes some psychological disorder to our own life, be them bullshit or not
And I thought yeah, I can finally find some friends that we can share almost every topic
Turn out I was quite wrong
Just because of having a same major, ppl are being quite reserved
Some even seems to be trying to exploit one another
Don't get me wrong, I think these actually apply to almost every major but not just Psych
Yeah, perhaps it has sth to do with evolutionary psych
but how can we be sure is that the actual explanation or just an excuse for ppl's selfish mindset and behavior?
From times to times I feel most comfortable being alone rather than in a crowd
It was not that my friends aren't good
In fact they are great
Just that I realize in the world nowadays, friends and company may not be (and to an extent shouldn't be) the primary source of happiness and joy
Happiness should be come from innerself mate
so one can feel happy no matter how worse would the situation and the environment change into
Even though the world seems like welcoming different voices and opinions
there are in fact not many ppl ready to listen, ready to absorb all that voices
too much output
But then it's very likely my future job would require me to be a people person
so still have to train myself to meet that requirement
Can't follow the flow of this post eh?
Nvm, neither do I =)

The Ellen Show @ Melbourne

Yeah, so I went to The Ellen Show at Birrarung Marr yesterday

Around 30 degree celsius, at a desert-like-clearing with sands attacking every eye

I had a phonetic lecture that I was really reluctant to attend before rushing to the Birrarung Marr at 11am

But the fact that some diehard fans had been lining up there since 4am had somehow slightly relieved my remorse
It was like I couldn't get myself a "fengshui spot" even if I skipped my lecture and arrive earlier anyway

I only managed to get myself a spot about 30 metres from the relay screen

So, after standing in the sun for 1 hour, Ellen and Portia finally showed up

Before this I only got to watch her shows thru Youtube and that moment I learnt that I was her at the same city, same area, though I didn't get to see her in person,directly at the moment

So then, Ellen Degeneres, had been really generous, as her name suggests, by giving away some surprise donation and free tix to US to some contestants, and lots of other freebies to the audiences at the main stage. The whole show is about fun, jokes, music, laughter and dance.

Portia didn't really appear much but the couple's really cute and deserve lots of blessing.

She finally managed to show her love one the place that she grew up from, the place she spent her childhood from and I guess the trip would be really memorable for the two of them.

Ellen has been so amazing and unbelievable, that day I finally witness the possibility of human being to be so positive, despite of the pressure around, she still can be happy, bold, funny, caring, sensible, energetic, grateful, kind...Such perfect personality, such goodness!

She knows how to keep it up and achieve a dream and yet never forget to help the others achieve their dream.

I truly hope Ellen and Rossi will be staying together no matter what happens in the future. With the inspiration resulted from they inspiring each other, people knows that they could strive to be better person.

Also, with the crowd of thousands ppl at that event, I realize that thr are still bunch of Australians that really care much about equality (unless some simply went for the comedy element), that really reminds me of the adorable Australians that defended the Sri Lankan asylum seekers. Long live Aussie!

On the way back to my uni, I managed to grab an ellen tennisball (the event giveaway by Ellen), so it actually makes my days, to date, haha 

无状态

我知道22楼不算太高

但是在无法入眠的夜晚

平躺在床上望着窗外

我还是会想像自己在云层暸望这世界

正确来说 是被Melbourne CBD影子笼罩着的城市边缘

酒后的男女亢奋地把自己的心声传到上空

第二天早上还是得赶上10点前的电车

今天你我再遇到难以释怀的人事物

从天空－－上帝的角度看来不过如此

都是些破事儿

我们的梦想不过如此

试想想

我们零零种种的心灵

从前也许是处于无状态

不悲不喜，不生不灭，不来不去，不爱不恨

无状态

到了某一天我们突然被赋予觉得沉闷的能力

便创造了这世界

但久而久之反倒被自己念力创造出来的世界牵引着

难怪 因为它如此真实 如此难以被弃舍

从此 我们奔波都为了手上的剧本

不愿离开这个舞台

把错觉当感觉

把成功当终站

手上的剧本一换再换

我们还是脱离不了戏子命

还用自己设计的折磨来安抚自己的良心

可悲吗？这也许浪漫

浪漫吗？这或许可悲

即使选择活在当下

当下转眼逝去

我们手握着的连流沙也不是

凡走过必留痕迹

但回归到了那个原始状态

你我即非相识 也非分离

即非熟悉 也非陌生

没有相识的依据 所以没有重逢

不会有所感慨

也不会寂寞

不属于 不离开 甚至不存在

很无聊吧？

但我还是会向往

回头beh下2012

现在才意识到我都没有好好总结一下我的2012
我的2012啊
前大半都在用念力期许末日能真的发生
我从不认为自己是个过度邪恶的人
只是觉得地球是该歇息一下
呵呵

年中的时光都挥霍在学业和酌量的玩乐
但全都发生在墨尔本
从墨尔本回来
总觉得我错过了什么，也拾到了一些什么
但脑里也没法清清楚楚地列出这一切一切的增增减减
学业还算过得去啦
不过还得过了接下来的这个sem我才算否极泰来

人际方面
算Pass啦
交了几个磁场蛮相近的朋友
参与了一个戏剧制作团队
ok ok 啦

感情篇呐
今年告白过
也被人告白过
尽管两者并非同一人
我好想好好感恩向我告白过的人
至少你们让我知道总有人欣赏我的固执
至于我告白过的
虽然并没有给予我正面回应
但告白那晚我睡得很熟
所以也算是我在努力减少人生遗憾的一个里程碑
毕竟要解开一个封了6年的秘密也不容易啊
往后的事 就管它一切随缘好了

健康篇嘛
今年不能再沉浸于澳洲的标准食量了

Overall, 2012 我的成长过关啦！