洛迪花园

那是我离开德里同一天早晨
其实在前一晚就很纠结不知道该不该旧地重游
怕回忆泛滥
还是硬着头皮去了
路上一直告诫自己不要在园内里落一滴泪
没想到还真办到了
我找回当初我们倆坐过的石阶
坐在那里 久久不舍得离去
脑海开始倒带昔日的情景
在那里 有个人曾同理我的悲痛
在那里 有个人曾试着了解我
在那里 有个人让我用眼神代替字句回应
在那里 有个住进我脑海里就再也没有搬出来
在那里 有个人我很爱慕
然而 人去楼空的滋味 很落寞
我顿悟：
这些我抱着 紧紧不放的回忆
在你的认知里 早已变质
我所珍惜的 或许已演变成你厌恶的
那我是何苦呢？
这并不是我愿看到的结局
所以我选择了把美丽的回忆留在美丽的地方
我理解到了爱与执着的区别
我依然很爱你
但我更希望你是快乐的
即使你快乐的风景里没有我
我也无所谓
跟着 我站了起来
对你坐过的句点说声 “Adios！”
在离开的路途中哼完那首本来想唱给你的Antologia
微笑离开我记忆中那片最美的花园

星巴克

今晚载弟弟上山后到星巴克
为接下来的车龙先外带咖啡作强心针
记忆又来袭
那是我离开印度的前一晚
我们在你工作的地方附近耗了整个傍晚
我们用完热巧克力后 你说你要用厕所
但甜甜圈店的厕所故障不开放
我们在附近绕了一下
走到了在二楼的星巴克
你很纠结到底要不要进去借厕所
满肚子是热巧克力的我们无法再点任何饮料了
于是我叫你先进厕所
由我来应付店家
你从厕所走出来还被我怂恿用最自然的姿态一起离开那间店
结果我们到最后一杯饮料也没买
还是成功免费用厕所 哈哈
一关上星巴克的门我们一起拔腿就跑
接着我们一起到附近的小摊弄了henna
但我很笨很粗心
一直把未干的henna搞砸
害得我们一直要回到小摊补画
你没有露出不耐烦的样子
只是一直笑说我好笨
是啊 还真是笨笨的
再一起搭tuk tuk回住宿
一路上我们没说什么
紧紧地靠着
让手上的henna在风中慢慢干
我知道
在那个时候
我们对彼此很不舍

前几天功课交了
迫不及待去试了你国家的名小吃
在这之前每次讲到吃的我都很没出息地只想到西班牙海鲜烩饭
你很不悦吧
我点还了一杯拿铁
味道很浓
但不是你冲调的那一种味道
但你可知道？
我的喜好被调制了
咖啡没放一粒半的糖，我不惯
就像那杯你端来的茶

怎么办好呢？
我真的很爱你 很爱你
即使你不理我
即使我们没在一起
我还是很爱你

Go the distance

My dear,
There are so much I want to tell you
so much I want to share with you
and so much I want to hear from you
But you left me with a tall, cold wall all the time
I know
you are building me a more or less graceful way to back out of all of this
Guess what?
Offer's appreciated but not accepted
For you have brought a fighter out of me
a fighter who knows no giving up
I may fall often but I rise up again very soon
I wondered why is it so hard to love you
But more than often I have wondered despite all that hardship why have I never cease to love you
Yes, your cold posts and silence broke my heart so much
But before you knew, sometimes even just an instagram like could cheer me up, if not mending it all

Whether I will have your welcome or not, someday I'm going to visit your country
I will go the distance, doesn't matter how long will it take
for I will never break my promise to you

不管以后见不见，我都会为我们可能的相遇准备好

6/7/16

那个星期天好难得你答应了大伙儿一起做个Skype Meeting
我即是期待又紧张
我在meeting前参加辅导课程整个白天都坐立不安
不知道你待会会不会真的出现
不知道我该跟你说些什么
也不知道你会跟我说些什么
好难捱到了晚上9点
我老早就坐在电脑前守候着
但过了将近一个小时始终不见你上线
我好失落
但依然把我的idea发表了
后来你终于上线了
结果你没打开视讯
且在整个谈话都似乎完全忽视我
没有打招呼，
只是在当只有我们两个在线上时那份寂静倒是很有默契
再后来我给你补发一些私讯时你完全已读不回
你的沉默说明的比你的言语还要多，还要响，它告诉我：
你知道那句我爱你是认真的
你私下不想再和我有任何瓜葛
但你很善良地在大伙儿都在时有说有笑，避免我们之间的尴尬影响整体的和谐
我静静地听着你唱的童谣
那晚很难受，睡不着
第二天更是在上班路途中落泪
可是马上我明白了
因为爱你
所以不管你给我的，是好的，还是是一种忽略，一份寂静
只要是你给的“礼物 ”
我都欣然接受
也许这样的我卑微可同时间我觉得能承受的这一切是有力量的

次日傍晚我和妹妹到gym去
workout到一半我惊觉我遗失了手机
我很慌，很无助
原因只有一个
我们的合照都还在里边
我不晓得以后 还否有机会再合照
我还让我妹妹到处去问有没看到手机
手机打不通 我更是慌上加慌
当时已经作了最坏打算
不管花多少钱都要把手机给弄回来
后来发现手机是遗留在团操室
我真的非常relieved
幸好妹妹可以谅解
但这件事也告诉我
我目前不可能会放弃你

昨夜在Phuket彻夜辗转难眠
最后还是梦到了你和我再度拥抱
梦里的我们不晓得什么状况被要求做个拥抱
一开始的我有点reluctant
因为我不想勉强你
过后你很主动很大方地过来拥抱我
你抱地很紧
我也抱着你
就算我慢慢放开手你还是抱地紧紧不放
那拥抱很温暖 很不舍
谁也不舍得放开了
就像当初我离别前夕
你在众人欢送我时脸上的忧愁
我知道这辈子很难再找到一个会为我如此难过的人
我也知道你不可能连一丁点的感觉都没有

刚才傍晚我看到很漂亮的晚霞
好希望你也能在场
毕竟你是唯一一个邀请我去看日落的人
我静静地坐着，再漂浮在泳池上
希望能将整个天空记录在我的眼里，以后再与你分享

今天翻到了这个图片

想告诉你其实我们自己的距离没你想象的那么远
不过就隔了一条海罢了
其实有很多小moment让我知道你就是我一直以来寻觅的那个人
不管往后将耗上是多少年、 即使是好几世的时光
我都会努力找到你
我会更努力地做个更好的人
锻炼好身体
为未来有可能的环游世界做好准备
我知道你不喜欢带包包出街
没关系，到时通通往我背囊里塞
学好西班牙话
因为我不知道以后去南美洲便是一辈子了
只要你哪天来找我，来看我
我已是处于准备迎接你的状态

Double Rainbow

I came across a rare double rainbow the other day
What a magnificent sight it was
I parked my car at the park and sat quietly in it
To catch as many glimpse of the rainbow as I could before it disappeared

It brought me back to the day when we walked at the Lodhi Garden
All my life I have been either persuading ppl to join me or it was just me paying attention to the wonder of natures
And you were the one and only who invited me to watch a sunset together
Finally someone who cherishes the nature as much as I do and actually invited me to witness the beauty together
You have no idea how badly I wanted for the moment to stay eternally
And it was the first time I got distracted  even before the beautiful sunset
You and your shining eyes watching the sunset were much more mesmerizing and captivating

Sometimes it hurt a lot to have you in dream and realized then that it was just a dream
Sometimes I couldn't help to ponder hard about my existence in your world
But most of the times I found peace and comfort in believing that we are going to meet again someday
And it is this thought that motivates and propels me to live on everyday
And to strive to better myself day by day

A mindful of you

So, five months have gone
and here you are still here
occupying my mind days and nights
11833 miles away

I dreamed about losing my phone the other night
never have I been so panicked before
running up and down trying to track down my phone
just hoping to salvage all the memorable photos we took of us
They couldn't be any less sacred

Sometimes I pictured you being close in my life
Imagined that I was driving on our road trip.
You rested your head on my lap
While trying to stop me by biting my hand
when I tried to switch your k-pop on the radio
I smiled
I told you that you were just so crazy
and yet I held your hand in mine and kissed it
while keeping my other hand on the sterling
You fell asleep in the car easily
and yet you always shown the smile and energy that are as bright as the sun
whenever we reached our destination
and started to pester me to take lots of pictures of you :')

They are so vivid, so real
I hope that there is this day
happening before my eyes before I die
There are so much that we need to do together
please let there be a rendezvous

释怀

今天和母亲出席生命线专题讲座
讲师讲的都是很到位的心理学
说的是人格的发展
提到好多好多关于家庭，尤其父母在竖造孩子人格中扮演的角色
母亲听到家暴对孩子的影响
很惭愧
向我说了对不起
回到车在路上在说了两次
我什么也没回复
只是在强忍着眼泪
那是我等了好多年的一句话
当下感觉释怀了好多

多年来我很努力地想要原谅她
可是每当她压力时就会在语言和心灵上羞辱我
自己最应该依赖的人是伤害你最深的人
我真的很无助
无数次提醒自己人虽无过
她诞下我时才二十五岁
也许还不懂怎么当个称职的母亲
她本身是幼女
也许不懂一个长女的背负
加上父亲外遇
我更应该感谢他们最也没有抛弃这个家吧

讲师所举的例子贴切得吓人
回想起一前我真的好厌恶那个家
当有机会去英国念大学时
我也没管自己是不是已准备好就似箭的飞过去了
可是长期被控制被管的我被突如其来的自由吓坏了
不知要怎么去组织自己 不知道要怎么去善用那以前没得到过的自由
慌了 人也回来了
封闭多时 都看不起自己怎么那么没出息
是过后念心理学 更了解自己
也不会再老是苛刻地审判自己
也不想让自己童年阴影牵绊自己往后的人生
所以只身到堪培拉念书一年
算是补偿了自己的一些遗憾
向自己和家人证明我也可以独立生活的

不过人再年长些也渐渐不在乎自己需要向别人证明些什么了
对自己有些交代应该就OK了
但愿母亲经过了这次的讲座可以亲身明白和体验我这些年来
读些什么， 做了什么反思
当然她自己面对以前的自己也需要一点勇气
这我明白 也会体谅

也许我不会忘了过去
但我会尽量不把过去看得太重了

我的最爱

没想到一年多没回来
这一次是要写关于不一样的人了
大家觉得我从印度回来变了
但没有人懂为什么
我确实曾说过不会为任何人改变什么
但这次你可以说我为一个懂得欣赏我的人勇于做自己
在印度与ta邂逅
一开始不以为意
也不懂从什么开始
ta的一举一动便牵动我的情绪
我曾决定
当有人能像阅读书一般阅读我，明白我
我便拥抱ta，谢谢ta明白我。
但当这段情境掺杂着一份爱意时
我只能把欲拥抱的手收回来
把要夺眶而出的眼泪藏好

我曾经很厌惧繁忙的马路
但只要想到需把你安全得送到目的地
我内心的恐惧顿时消失

我很怕告白
但我不愿欺骗自己和你以“姐妹“相称
那样的苟且偷生实在太自欺欺人
所以我跟你说我爱你
尽管你或许并没有把它当真

尽管我们生活背景文化有很大差异
尽管或许你心中没我那样的一团火
你的倩影依旧在我心目中占有独特的位置
那搞怪的模样 那兴致勃勃告诉我世界各地奇事的模样
那独有的西班牙腔调 那在我离开前依依不舍的眼神
那句喜欢我 那躺在我肩上熟睡的头 那跟我一起拿的印度手彩
那牵着我手穿过夜市的手 那拥抱 那一起唱过的西班牙歌谣
那在火车上扶着我的身 那支送给我的玫瑰花
那条你为我戴上的手绳 那些发音欠佳的中文“谢谢”
那些追逐 那些为你拍过的照片 那杯与你一起喝的热巧克力
在火车站终于盼到你的那一份喜悦 那你为我冲泡的最后一杯chai还小心翼翼让我选糖量的样子 那走进我房间拉我脚欲言又止的模样 那些可爱又赌气的留言
那个容易感动的模样 那个迷恋韩剧的家伙
那个问我ta有没有猜对我性格的焦急样子
那些在我手背划过的指尖
那个迫不及待把我糗事公诸于世的调皮样子
那个默默目送我的样子
那个最后最有分量的拥抱
当我必须和这一切道别时，我非常不甘心。
对的人 遇在对的地方 但遇在不对的时代
可惜之余 我也只能忍痛祝福你
祝福你快乐
祝福你找到适合的
再会了，我的最爱

indifferent soul

人们分别心太重了

总觉得自己是最独特的

其实我们每一个都拥有一样的心灵

尽管各有各的精彩旅程

但我们还是从同样的地方出发

也到往同样的地方

贪玩

对不起

是我幼稚了

早该放下面子的

我在你面前不需要它

是我太白痴

乐极生悲

只怪我太贪玩

我童年好长一段时间是在外婆家长大的

早上外婆骑着脚踏车载我到巴刹买猪肠粉

下午二舅母哄我吃饭，不把饭菜吃光不洗碗警察会来捉我的

黄昏外婆掏钱给我到冰淇淋车买冰淇淋

傍晚外婆就热了炭炉烧菜给我们吃

而二舅父就用他的菲林相机记录这一切

很抱歉我说来说去都是吃的

我想说的是

那是多么简单 多么自在的快乐

他们至今从不过问我是否胖了

功课好坏

只在意我是否安好

或许因为这样

我比其他弟妹更在意他们

如今外婆年迈了

我越来越担心了

人年纪大了记忆力衰退在所难免

可是以为身边人会回馈自己时

换来的是一顿谩骂

我不愿像他们一样

既然外婆当初愿意花时间养育我

外婆今天一句话重复多少遍

我都洗耳恭听

外婆今天一句话重问多少遍

我都一一回答

我不想等到哪天没法再听到她声音时才来懊悔

也考量到爸爸的病情

我想荣誉学士是不是应该会大马读好了

今天的成就是他们给的

我总不能在他们需要关怀时不在身边吧

有些人有些事比考取好成绩进到好学校重要的多吧

平凡

其实我是勇敢的

要不然早就不在人世间了
其实我是善良的
要不然我不会为对我极差的人着想
其实我是念旧的
听着某些音乐，看着某些电影我还是会流泪
其实我是记恩的
凡对我有恩的在我心中必留痕迹
其实我是爱家的
其实我是有良知的
我错了我会认
要不然早就离开了
其实我是坚强的
倒了这么多次大霉还能站起来
其实我也有乐观的时候
见到美丽的笑容我的烦恼都可以瞬间不见了
其实我还是关心周围的人的
要不然我就不会观察，聆听他们了
其实我是有爱的
总会暗中守护心上人
其实我很爱这个宇宙
好想走遍世界每个角落
我就是这么一个平凡人
有着这么一些平凡的价值
我没有什么不平凡的物质想追求的
但这些价值在这世上什么也不是
我也自然而然什么也不是了
但我真的不想去迎合些什么
其实在这世上的人没什么人有自由
既然如此了
我不想连这卑微的自己也迷失了

TML

*If these don't make sense to you, chances are they are not meant for you*

There are many times I wished to forget all the barriers in between us and tell you I love you.
I asked myself why couldn't I talk myself over to ignore all the societal standards completely.
You know I don't care about such thing personally,

but the persons who care of me... they are very bound by the standards they have been growing up with.
I learned many tales which have the characters fighting for the same things, which end in tragedy ,but being passed on with dignity.

Can I just leave the persons who care of me but never agree with my moral standards, and follow my own desire?
Can I go on and live as a thorn in their hearts?
And yet am I strong enough to guard you, setting the sorrow aside?
Your kindness is what I love the most of you. I thought I will be there to guard it, to let it shine, to to support you whenever you are tired of giving. But what I ended up only able to utilize your kindness for a weak ambition of mine.
I always wished to return to the zero state, but I fear if I'm not able to store a single memory of you by then.
I know I can't just passively wait for the barriers to be removed on their own, yet I'm not sure if letting you go is the right thing to do.
I am blessed to live in a beautiful world...but then what is a unregretable life, without you in it?
If there is a sad ending in our chapter, I need you to know I'll be waiting for you in the better world. Even if it meant to be of zero state, I'll do my best to remember you.
Thank you for walking into my life. And thank you for your bright smile, they once chased my sadness away.

 

To the significant others in my life

此生当中
我倍感荣幸
能有人
无时无刻
惦记着我的美好
知道我的善良
实在由衷感动
从此以后
我志当不再于追求
社会定义的成就
而是努力当一个快乐的人
否则就辜负及糟蹋了
他们的养育之恩
愿他们今生远离一切痛苦与烦恼
来生定当报答栽培之恩

为什么

为什么一个陌生的医生一眼看得出我有多年不渝的心结
而你却头头是道地认为我生活得不快乐是我自己活该
为什么一个陌生的医生会为我的聪明与怪脾气啧啧称奇
而你却永远认为我的愚昧是家门不幸
为什么十恶不赦的弟弟你坚信“他会变的。”
为什么一个孝顺的我你回以“送你读书不过浪费钱。”
为什么十恶不赦的弟弟你称之为天使
为什么常有怜悯之心的我你称之为阿修罗
为什么我有原则你怨我固执
为什么弟弟固执你赞他有原则
为什么弟弟转校你愿意奔波
为什么我转校你冷眼以对，甚至赠与诅咒与怨恨
为什么我曾经遍体鳞伤
为什么只有弟弟永远配得上爱的教育
为什么我的习惯孤单是孤僻
为什么弟弟的习惯孤单是爱家
还有成千上万的为什么
阴影化了我的过去
笼罩着我的将来

52Hz Whale

So
Just had my 23th b'day
I was really glad that this time my dad managed to celebrate it with me
although it was not quite in the form I was expecting
I always appreciate what he has been providing for the family and me
And that's why an expensive and lots-of-animal-sacrificing dinner was completely unnecessary
Guess I hv a long way to go to persuade a change in my family
But the feeling of unfit has always led to an inadequate me
I know my family sometimes support me
but whenever I looked at their shadow, their back
I felt like they are strangers to me, and vice versa
And this is not even some teenage rebellious thought
I've been thinking
if one day a person come up and tell me he/she understands me
and I know that it's true
I might burst into tears for real
Just realized this is the 100th post
and I thought I'll be more cheerful by this stage
prolly not now...

时差

5点.失眠
我曾以为
两个有时差的国家
能在同一时间交谈
是一件很玄的事
就像澳洲这里5点钟
能与在大马过着两点钟的亲友相谈
会以为大马的光阴比澳洲走慢了3小时
但其实这不过是从人类设定国际时间的角度去想象罢了
有没有国际时间也好
有没有时差也罢
地球的每个角落
都从创世那一刻
走过了同样的年华
分分秒秒
丝毫不差

老了

我意识到在我心里

慢慢有着某种心态上的改变

虽然看不顺眼的东西还多着

但调伏的速度快了

依然不喜欢在人群中游走

但已会与人闲聊

虽然有时没把该说的说出口

但慢慢的

不该说的我都会止在嘴边

我想我是老了吧...

Stop dehumanize the others!

So I just watched "Schindler's List"
TBF I don't recommend watching it at nights
although presented in b&w
the holocaust scene may still potentially haunt yr mind
While psych students might have been upsetting with the dehumanising nature of human
Thank god thr's this film reminding you "Nope, thr's always an exception"
The film is about Oskar Schindler and his wife, who saved about 1100- 1200 Jews from the holocaust.

在这之前我一直觉得自己是个很不自由的人
我活在一个完全没人懂我的家庭里
周围的人不明白我所信奉的，所坚持的
我至今还没办法找到一个和我心与心很贴近的人
就像一只52赫兹的鲸鱼
就在这两周我都在告诉自己如果现在身在电影片场，画室，乃至戏剧舞台上
那该多好
至少那是我最能专注的地方
我每天都在观察人与人之间的互动
可是自己在人际沟通上却越来越被动了

其实南京大屠杀，第二次世界大战等等并非距离现在很久远的事
我们的人身自由是比那个年代要好很多
更别说我们不是身在中东，非洲或南韩
尚算安全
可是安全感似乎不曾增加
以前的人literally从踏出家门那一刻就不晓得能不能平安回家
现代常人呢？
依旧对现况的自由不满
Wifi不过快，功课压力，还没当成人却很想做成人做的事...
你真的认为那两种不自由可以相提并论吗？

是的，人类就是没有满足的一天
We crave and we strive for freedom at the expense of the others
我想，唯有达到“无状态”，没有欲望，没有自不自由的，一切才会静止在那时空里
没有一念一想
在那之前，请善待我们周遭的人吧
我们结伴来到这世界感受能感受的
却反过头被感受牵绊了
彼此折磨着对方
两败俱伤
即使没法瞬间放下仇恨
至少不要去刻意伤害
静观自己拥有的自由
并且善用自由
大概会比较快乐吧

黄梅调/Do not attempt to change my life or change to suit my life/R U OK ? Day

Should be writing social psych lab report now
But thr's too much thoughts in my brain
Of which more than half of them hv nth to do with the report
So I guess it's better to hv some focused reflection b4 moving on to the writing
Last night I was procrastinating too
But instead of doing sth meaningless
I was stone thr, listening to some 黄梅调
If you'd followed some Shaw Brother's films in the past
You'd know what's a 黄梅调
But prolly not even many of the people of my age did know about it
Everytime I listened to some beautiful pieces of 黄梅调
Especially those of 红楼梦，天仙配，孟姜女
I'd shed some tears
YES, you don't have to inform me about your judgment
I do know how stupid it sounded
But then again, I felt a very subtle connection btwn 黄梅调 and me
It's like I had actually heard it long before this life
Some funny feeling suggests that I had been living in an era of 黄梅调, if you like
Again, it's prolly just some self-constructed dejavu but yeah
Nth would weaken the uniques sense of connection

Today I couldn't get a person out of mind for the entire day
It was a person that used to be my great company
The person listened to my sorrow, built courage in me via some unique way
While I was trying my best to make the person happy whenever I could
Life without the person was really lonely
And I thought there might be a chance we were able to lead to a wonderful ending
But then the person did sth that I considered severely against my philosophy of life
I understand from the bottom of my heart the person's attempt to change my lifestyle was because the person would like to increase the common topic in between us
I understand that the person might be feeling lonely as well as I did
But then again I have been devoting so much of my life to prove my value, my principle...
Changing my lifestyle was like denying my effort, denying my identity, my sense of self
I found it simply unbearable and rather hurting, very hurting
I'm not looking for someone who would ask me to not to listen to 黄梅调 anymore, nor someone who listen to 黄梅调 in order to earn my attention/ liking...
I'll be glad to know someone who enjoy his/her life much and cherish ppl who enjoy their own life :)
Anyway, I wish that the person would find someone that could really bring happiness into the person's life w/o any intentious changes be made
Bear with me for keep using 'the person' instead of some simple pronouns
Thr's a reason that I couldn't admit atm

Lastly,on this year's R U OK? Day
I did not make it to greet ppl around me much
But I did thanked the janitor at Richard Barry building's toilet and thanked the Thai student who sold Pad Thai at the Festival of Nations (in Thai)
Haha, not bad I guess
But I'm committed to do better in the future

Ok, I'm going back to my assignment.
Bye bye!